The Wiser Wife

My wise mom taught me about the “scripts” that each person brings into a relationship. 

Every person unconsciously feels that the way their family did things is the “right” way, and it takes understanding, compassion and humility to mesh a couple’s scripts together.

She gave this example:

In his family, when you get sick, your mom brings you a tray with the homemade chicken noodle soup that she made from scratch and glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice and checks on the sick person every 15 minutes to make sure they don’t need anything.

In her family, when you get sick, they dim the lights and leave you alone in your room so you can have some privacy and focus all of your energy on getting well.

Neither of these approaches is inherently “right” or “wrong” in and of itself.

HOWEVER—

When they are a newly married couple and she gets sick, he shows her love by bringing her soup and juice and checking in on her frequently. She feels frustrated and like he is smothering her and wishes that he would “leave her alone and give her some privacy so she can get better”. When she expresses this wish, his feelings get hurt and he feels rejected.

When he comes down with the same flu strain, she shows him love by treating him the way she wanted to be treated and she dims the lights and leaves him alone to heal. He feels unloved and like she has abandoned him to die and she can’t understand why he feels upset, when she was trying to be kind.

Now, multiply this situation by all of the other subjects couples have to integrate: Religion, Politics, Manners and Etiquette, How and When Love is Expressed, Finances and Bill Paying, Parenting and Discipline and every single other possibility for misunderstanding, and you can see why this is such an important issue, and why it trips up so many couples!

In chapter 2 of his book “Till Debt do us Part”, Dr. Bernard E. Poduska has a LOT to say on what I call “scripts” and he calls “family rules”, and he has some fabulous tools for helping couples understand each other and integrate their personal scripts into their own new set!

He discusses how some family rules are “explicit”—clearly stated out loud (and sometimes posted in a conspicuous location!) “No jumping on couches”, “Dinner is at 6:00 and you had better not be late”. Other rules are “Implicit”—these are non-verbal, unstated rules that he claims “often have the greatest power in our lives”. These implicit rules can range from “Nobody sits in Dad’s chair” to “There are no good men out there”. The sickness scripts in my example are implicit rules. Since these are unspoken and cultural, they may change depending on the family circumstance. In my family, being compared to our dad meant that we were smart, capable and problem solvers (or that we hate eating breakfast!). In my friend’s family, when their mother compared them to their dad, it meant they were being spoiled, lazy or immature. “You are just like your father” can be high praise or a cutting insult, but either way it is part of your script.

I recommend reading this book for the wise financial advice it contains, but even more importantly for the tools to help in your relationships. Understanding this concept of “scripts” or “family rules” will help you understand your spouse and assist you in consciously improving your marriage and your parenting.

This week we studied the power balance in marriages and families. It is easy to jump to a negative conclusion about the word “power”, especially when you are using it in a family framework. However, I think all relationships have a balance of power, and it is important to realize not only that it exists, but how important it is to keep it properly balanced!

Dr. Richard B. Miller, PhD Director of the School of Family Life Brigham Young University gave an address at the BYU Conference on Family Life, where he outlined 4 Principles for maintaining proper power balances in families. I am going to quote his excellent article, and give my comments in italics afterwards!

1. Parents are the leaders in the family. In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.

I knew a couple who had a darling little girl, who was the center of their world—and she knew it! They allowed her to become the leader in the family. If Susan didn’t want to do something, they didn’t do it. It created a spoiled, autocratic four-year-old, and eventually a teenager who was horribly entitled and indulged. Her transition to adulthood was not an easy path, since she expected everyone in her workplaces (and the world in general) to realize what a precious princess she was—and of course they didn’t.

1. Parents must be united in their leadership. It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other. Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children.

The middle of discipline session is NOT the time to be having discussions on “how we do or do not parent”! Parents need to support each other and provide a united front, even if they have private discussions behind the scenes if they have not resolved an issue previously!

1. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults. When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.

This goes two ways. The parents don’t get to “boss” their adult children around, but the children do not get to go running home to daddy and mommy for any little marital squabble or problem either!  In a healthy relationship, parents have respect for each other and for their children as capable individuals. They have taught their children the skills they need, and gradually eased them into more and greater responsibility, so it is not a shock when they are able to “fly” on their own. A friend of mine got married (she was the youngest in her family, and her husband was not only the youngest child, but he was an only son, who was 16 years junior to his next closest sister) and his mother had a very hard time letting go of her darling baby boy. She would come over while they were at work and “help out” by rearranging the cupboards and closets. She would do his laundry so that it was “done right”.  When they had an argument or a disagreement, they would either call their own parents (or more often) their spouse’s parents to “tattle”. Needless to say, the marriage did not last. I am not implying that this is a “youngest child” problem, but it is a problem of letting go. When I was in college (the first time!), I had a very wise teacher for my “Courtship and Marriage” Class, who advised that when a couple gets married, for at LEAST the first year, they should live “A long distance call and a full tank of gas” away from BOTH sets of parents. This is not so they are “distant” from their families, but so they have a chance to establish their own family, and to depend on each other instead of their parents.

1. The marital relationship should be a partnership. Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems, including violence. Research also demonstrates that unequal power relationships in marriage are predictive of depression. Thus, research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership.

As my husband and I were reflecting on our marriage, we both realized that not only are we are each happier, but we are more capable, more skilled, more educated and more confident than we would be if we didn’t have the other. We have done things as a partnership that we never would have done on our own. My husband stated that if he had not married me, he most likely would have stayed in the town where he was born and raised, doing a job that was adequate but not overly fulfilling. Because of our marriage, he took a job across the country and found out that he loved the western states. He learned new job skills and took classes that made him much more capable and desirable in his employment. I have loved having his constant support and encouragement—including his support to “treat myself right” and to buy pretty things for myself. I am better because I have him. We have become nicely balanced—neither of us feels “used” or “overburdened”.  It was not an easy process, and it certainly didn’t happen overnight, but if my newly married self could see how happy I am now, she would be amazed at how our relationship has grown and matured into this beautiful specimen!

I think it can be nicely summed up in this great interview with President and Sister Hinckley!

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that?

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?

President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life”.

Sources:

Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families Richard B. Miller, PhD. Address given at the BYU Conference on Family Life March 28, 2008.

Marjorie Pay and Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, October 2003, pp. 22, 27

My husband and I have some dear friends that we have known for many years. “Sam” and “Jenny” were married a few years before us, and their kids are the same ages as ours. We loved to do things with them, and we loved each of them. However, their relationship started to get very strained, and they eventually divorced. It was not just a “walking away from” their years together though. They did deliberately hurtful things to each other, and each action escalated the other person’s response and increased their defensiveness. Each of them stopped talking to anyone who had anything remotely good (or even neutral) to say about the other. They talked about the other person in the most hurtful language imaginable—in front of their children.

They each got so caught up in what I call a “selfishness vortex” that they were completely blinded to how their behaviors and decisions affected the people around them. They were so focused on how THEY were affected they could not see the pain they caused to their parents, their friends, their neighbors and most especially their children. Their sweet innocent children were the not only caught in the middle, they were emotionally the knot in the rope of the tug-o-war.  Sam and Jenny forgot that each time they belittled and badmouthed their ex, they were literally criticizing one half of their child’s genetic makeup!

Doctor Gottman addresses this trap in his Fourth Principle: Let Your Partner Influence You. He is describes “the emotionally intelligent husband” this way: “Because this type of husband honors and respects his wife, he will be open to learning more about emotions from her. He will come to understand her world and those of his children and friends. He may not emote in the same way his wife does, but he will learn how to better connect with her emotionally. As he does so, he’ll make choices that show he esteems her. When she needs to talk, he’ll turn off the basketball game and listen. He will choose “us” over “me”.

He continues: “Perhaps the fundamental difference between husbands who accept influence and those who don’t is that the former have learned that often in life you need to yield in order to win. When you drive through any busy city, you encounter frustrating bottlenecks and unexpected barricades that block your rightful passage: You can take one of two approaches to these impossible situations. One is to stop, become righteously indignant, and insist that the offending obstacle move. The other is to drive around it. The first approach will eventually earn you a heart attack. The second approach—which I call yielding to win—will get you home”.

This is the emotional equivalent of this scene that Dave Barry described in one of his columns:

“One morning, I was driving in Miami on Interstate 95, which should have a sign that says: WARNING! HIGH TESTOSTERONE LEVELS NEXT 15 MILES

In the left lane, one behind the other, were two well-dressed middle-aged men, both driving luxury telephone-equipped German automobiles. They looked like responsible business executives, probably named Roger, with good jobs and nice families and male pattern baldness, the kind of guys whose most violent physical activity, on an average day, is stapling. They were driving normally, except that the guy in front, Roger One, was thoughtlessly going only about 65 miles an hour, which in Miami is the speed limit normally observed inside car washes. So Roger Two pulled up behind until the two cars were approximately one electron apart, and honked his horn.

Of course, Roger One was not about to stand for that. You let a guy honk at you, and you are basically admitting that he has a bigger stapler. So Roger One stomped on his brakes, forcing Roger Two to swerve onto the shoulder, where, showing amazing presence of mind in an emergency, he was able to make obscene gestures with both hands.

Then both Rogers accelerated to approximately 147 mph and began weaving violently from lane to lane through dense rush-hour traffic, each risking numerous lives in an effort to get in front of the other, screaming and getting spit all over their walnut dashboards. I quickly lost sight of them, but I bet neither one backed down. Their co-workers probably wondered what happened to them. "Where the heck is Roger?" they probably said later that morning, unaware that, even as they spoke, the dueling Rogers, still only inches apart, were approaching the Canadian border.

This is not unusual guy behavior. One time, in a Washington traffic jam, I saw two guys, also driving nice cars, reach a point where their lanes were supposed to merge. But neither one would yield, so they very slowly - we are talking maybe one mile an hour - drove into each other.”

Now, we, as clear headed, rational human beings can look at that description and laugh at how ridiculous it is. However, I have been in situations where I was so focused on myself, on not “losing”, on not letting the other person “get ahead of me”, that I made choices that were this self-centered and harmful to my relationships!

President Ezra Taft Benson gave an incredible talk in 1989, and his advice is even more valuable today than when he gave it. He said:

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition’. Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves . . . It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking . . . Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.

Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.” The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings. The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily”.

Dr. Gottman says: “Accepting influence is an attitude, but it’s also a skill you can hone if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse . . . If you’re having difficulty accepting influence, you will benefit your marriage enormously by acknowledging this tendency and talking about it with your spouse. Nobody can change old habits overnight. But if you’re able to take responsibility for your difficulty with power-sharing, that will be a major leap forward. Your spouse is likely to feel a great sense of relief and renewed optimism about improving your marriage. The next step is to make your partner an ally in your crusade to overcome this problem”.

President Benson put it this way:

"God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.”

Let us choose to be humble.

Resources:

Gottman, John “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work”, Harmony Books, 2015, pp. 123-124, 125-126, 136.

Dave Barry’s article: Dave Barry | Road wars and dogs: Why guys act macho

JAN. 8, 2005 http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/08/arts/dave-barry-road-wars-and-dogs-why-guys-act-macho.html

You can read President Benson’s talk “Beware of Pride” here.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1989/05/beware-of-pride?lang=eng&_r=1

Dr. Gottman’s third principle in his book is “Turn Towards Each Other, Instead of Away”.

Turn towards each other.

Think about those words.

Think about how truly loved it makes you feel when someone is really present with you.  Actually listening. Making eye contact. Thinking about what you are saying, not about the next thing they want to say. Considering how you are feeling.

On the flip side, consider how truly alone you feel when you are ignored while you are surrounded by people.

The very worst is when you want to feel connected and loved by the most important people in your life, and they ignore or reject you.

Think about the physical actions of turning towards or turning away.

They closely parallel the spiritual and emotional states of turning our hearts, thoughts and feelings towards or away from each other.

Our society makes it really easy to “turn away” without even meaning too! We are too wrapped up in a sporting event, TV show, Candy Crush game or Social Media chat to fully engage with the people around us.  These little choices take us step by tiny baby step further away from the ones we love the most, until, gradually, we realize that we are living with a stranger, instead of the person we committed to love the very most.

My wise mother once told me that "our communication with children doesn't count if we don't make eye contact when we are talking to them". Think about how many times we talk to someone when our attention is actually on a screen, or a project or a book. 

"Mama, I made this!" 

"Uh-huh, that's nice, honey". 

Think about how the simple, physical act of "turning towards them", and looking right at their precious face, changes the interaction.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his “Letters and Papers from Prison”, wrote to his niece this wise counsel: “Marriage is more than your love for each other… In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to his glory, and calls into his kingdom. In your love you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal—it is a status, an office. Just as it is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king, so it is marriage, and not merely your love for each other, that joins you together in the sight of God and man. … So, love comes from you, but marriage from above, from God.”

Dr. Gottman says “It is certainly possible to have a stable marriage without sharing a deep sense of what is meaningful about your lives together. Your marriage can “work” even if your dreams aren’t’ in sync . . .  But it is also true that a rewarding marriage is about more than just sidestepping conflict”.

If that is the standard we are aiming for, turning our hearts to one another is the only way to truly achieve it.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison, ed. Eberhard Bethge (1953), 42–43.

John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015 edition p.261

CHERISH. What a wonderful word, which encompasses a wonderful concept. 

 Definition: To protect and care for (someone) lovingly., to hold (something) dear, to keep in one's mind.

Doesn't EVERYONE, at heart, want to be protected, cared for, held lovingly and kept in mind? Doesn't everyone want to be Cherished?

Back in the early days of our marriage, we had a "rough spot". Like, the kind of rough spot that lasts for multiple years, and involves serious unhappiness for both partners. I got to a point where I could not see any of my husband’s good traits. Literally, NONE. The negativity I felt had poisoned our relationship completely.  

I spent a lot of time wondering why I was even married to him. 

I hit a point where I was dreaming that he died -— and it was a relief. 

That was a wake-up call for me. I did not get married to get divorced, but the situation was at an unsustainable level.

We tried a counselor. 

It was not a lot of help, since my husband thought it was a joke, and we never actually made any progress dealing with the problems.

I read a lot of relationship books. 

I tried lots of things.

One thing jumped out at me: I was advised to focus on the things he was doing right, rather than the things he was doing wrong.

I couldn’t think of any.

Literally, I could not think of a single good point about the man I was married to! I knew there HAD to be something good in him ---otherwise why had I married him? But I was coming up empty handed.

So, I finally humbled myself enough to ask Heavenly Father to show me his good points -— to show me anything lovable about this man that I was committed to, but severely unhappy with.

I was on my knees in our bedroom, praying, and literally, the second I said “Amen”, the phone rang. It was my mom, who lived two time zones away from us. She called me a couple of times a week, so it wasn’t a surprise, but this conversation was different. She started in by telling me “I was thinking about what I love about your husband”, and proceeded to tell me several of his good qualities, which my negativity had blinded me to..

Interestingly, as soon as she pointed them out, I could “see” them again, and I could focus my energy on those positive traits.

But my miracle didn’t end there. For the next several months, any conversation I had, no matter who it was with, would bring up one or another of my dear husbands (many) good traits! And, every single time, as soon as it was pointed out to me, I could see it again.

Slowly, over the next few years, as I deliberately chose to focus on the positive, my love for him was strengthened and renewed, and eventually, the way that a bone that is broken grows back thicker and stronger in that area, our love became much stronger than it had been before.

Now, all these years later, each of us feels cherished, nourished and strengthened within our relationship. Each of us is a better person because of it, and we are both happy most of the time. This is a blessing that I would not have imagined could be possible back in those days. When we follow the counsel of the Savior, we gain blessings that are beyond our comprehension!

Now, as I have become wiser, I make sure to be consciously aware of whether I am giving my energy to focusing on the positive or the negative not only in my marriage, but in other relationships as well.

This week’s reading is on ways to “Nurture our Fondness and Admiration:”. That almost seems trite or simplistic, but it isn’t. Because the things in our lives that we are fond of, that give us positive feedback, are the things that we spend our physical, mental and emotional budgets on, and that make our life worthwhile. If we aren’t getting anything out of a relationship, it withers and dies (ask me about my poinsettia!).  

Elder Richard G. Scott, in a tender tribute to his wife said “Express gratitude for what your spouse does for you. Express that love and gratitude often. That will make life far richer and more pleasant and purposeful. Don’t withhold those natural expressions of love. And it works a lot better if you are holding her close while you tell her . . . Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage. It is the primary cause of contented, well-developed children . . . It is so rewarding to be married. Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together”.

So, making sure that we are pouring our energy into feeding, building and strengthening our most important relationships is the single most critical thing we can do in our lives.

The picture at the top is of a sculpture called "Peaceful Embrace", by artist Briony Marshall on her page..

(I love this imagery for "having our hearts knit together in unity and love"!)

One of the coolest things about taking this marriage class is that our reading (unlike that Physics class I took many years ago!) applies directly to our lives! If you are married and want your marriage to be better, happier and stronger, there are tools you can use right away! If you are NOT married, but you want to be someday in the future, you can use the tools to be wise in your choice of who to marry and, even better, you can make your relationship strong without the (VERY painful!) trial and error that we used to be stuck with!

Last week I shared how blessed I was by using the concepts from The 5 Love Languages. If you haven’t had a chance to try it, I strongly recommend it.

This week, we are reading Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert”. While that subtitle sounds lofty and pretentious, it is actually true. Dr. Gottman has been studying marriage for over 40 years. When he started out, just like any other marriage counselor, he mostly saw troubled marriages. However, unlike other therapists, he started doing actual scientific research -— on both happy and unhappy couples. He compiled and refined the data, and came up with very simple concepts that can totally transform a troubled relationship, but even better, can be used to prevent the troubles in the first place!

I figured out a lot of these concepts on my own -— the hard way. My husband and I are both the oldest child in our families, and we are both smart, capable, determined and we know the right way to do ANYTHING. Unfortunately, my “right way” is hardly ever the same as his “right way”! This led to some pretty epic disagreements early on. There was a lot of pain and unhappiness, and frequent visits from what Dr. Gottman calls “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for Relationships”: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.

When I reached a point of maximum unhappiness, and finally asked Heavenly Father for help, I was blessed with answers, which were painful and humbling, and NOT what I wanted to hear.

My prayers went something like this:

Me: “Heavenly Father, I am COMPLETELY miserable! I can’t imagine continuing to live like this! Please, please change him! “

Heavenly Father: (and this is exactly, word for word what my answer was) “You can not change anyone else. You can only change yourself”

Me: “But, I don’t need to change! He’s the one who’s causing the problems! He’s the one who’s super critical and makes me feel bad! I’M not the problem! He’s the one who. . . “ (this could go on for a long time, but I will spare you!)

Gradually, sweetly, (well, on His part -- my part was like trying to remove a hungry toddler from the middle of the candy aisle at the grocery store mid-tantrum) I was instructed that I had to stop nagging (“What do you mean, ‘stop nagging’? I don’t nag! I certainly don’t nag as much as . . .”!), that I needed to remember that “A soft answer turneth away wrath”, and finally to decide if I would rather be “right”, but alone, or if I was willing to “lose” and keep my marriage. Was I willing to place my pride on the altar and sacrifice it for the good of my marriage? Was I willing to CHOOSE to back down, to de-escalate, to be soft and humble?

At first, I was terrified, but I decided that I was already miserable, and our marriage was more than the sum total of either of us, and that even if I had to be unhappy, I was willing to do it.

It was NOT easy. It was not fun. It did not happen overnight. However, within 18 months, I looked back, and realized that all of the things that I HAD been nagging about (!), had all resolved themselves! I had chosen to “lose”, and all I lost was pain and unhappiness!

I know from experience that Dr. Gottman’s principles are correct. I recommend using this book BEFORE you are miserable, and saving yourself a lot of pain!

I love this beautiful thought from Henry B. Eyring: 

"Pride is the great enemy of unity. You have seen and felt its terrible effects. Just days ago I watched as two people -— good people -— began with a mild disagreement. It started as a discussion of what was true but became a contest about who was right. Voices became gradually louder. Faces became a little more flushed. Instead of talking about the issue, people began talking about themselves, giving evidence why their view, given their great ability and background, was more likely to be right. You would have felt alarm as I did. We have seen the life-destroying effects of such tragic conflict. You and I know people who left the fellowship of the Saints over injured pride.

Happily I am seeing more and more skillful peacemakers who calm troubled waters before harm is done. You could be one of those peacemakers, whether you are in the conflict or an observer. One way I have seen it done is to search for anything on which we agree. To be that peacemaker, you need to have the simple faith that as children of God, with all our differences, it is likely that in a strong position we take, there will be elements of truth. The great peacemaker, the restorer of unity, is the one who finds a way to help people see the truth they share. That truth they share is always greater and more important to them than their differences. You can help yourself and others to see that common ground if you ask for help from God and then act. He will answer your prayer to help restore peace, as He has mine." General Conference, Oct. 2008

When I got married, it wasn’t just “till death do us part”. 

It was “For Time AND For All Eternity”.

Think about that.

ALL ETERNITY.

With one man.

Yep. That one. The one who drives me crazy sometimes. The one who thinks he’s funny (ask our children about his “Dad Jokes”).  The one who knows how to push all of my buttons. 

The one who gives me socks for Christmas.

When I was young and dumb, I waited for him to give me romantic presents. (He didn’t).

Or heart shaped boxes of chocolates for Valentines day to show me his love. (He still hasn’t).

I waited for love letters (We have been married for over 20 years, and I have only gotten one -- he told me about a porcupine he saw.).

I waited for romantic declarations.

I couldn’t see the romance in socks.

I couldn’t see any love in such a boring, prosaic, everyday thing. Certainly not for a GIFT.

I was waiting for love that I was not getting.

Eventually, I was blessed to have my sister tell me about the “Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.

When I read it, I was blown away by some pretty profound simple truths.

My love languages are Words of Love, and Gift Giving.

HIS are Acts of Service (in a BIG way!) and Time.

And that is why he gave me warm socks (like $20 a pair warm) for Christmas. Because he loves me, and he knows that 

1) my feet are always cold, 

and 

2) I am a cheapskate, and I especially hate to spend money on myself (it’s a mom thing, I guess).

“There is none so blind as those who will not see”. When I could not see the love he was pouring out all around me -- in making sure I had everything I wanted, that I have always had a car that I never have to worry about whether or not it will start, that I had cozy socks to keep me warm all day –- I was dying of thirst in the middle of a pool of clear water, simply because I couldn’t open my eyes to see that it was all around me.

I am wiser now.

I love this quote from Elder David A. Bednar:

“By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord”  (1 Corinthians 11:11, emphasis added). 

As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord (see 3 Ne. 27:14), as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness, which is the very object of the Father’s plan, is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants.”

The time of our marriage has gone so fast that I can see that Eternity might not be enough!

This is a great man to share eternity with.

For many years, the challenge issued by Proverbs 31, where it asks “Who can find a virtuous woman?” worried me. The woman it describes is pretty awesome: She is a hard worker, who gets up early, plants and harvests a garden (and has a generous food storage), is generous and organized, wise, kind and beautiful!

All in all, a pretty daunting example for a young mother who was exhausted by running around after 3 small children who seemed to sleep in shifts so that mom NEVER got a full night’s sleep, whose gardening efforts were. . . less than stellar, and whose food storage involved several mystery cans without labels and a Mason jar of very questionable contents!

But, as the years have marched on, I have become a wiser wife. I have learned that while it is very important to become a good manager of my home, the truly priceless parts of this virtuous woman (whose “children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her”) is not about the STUFF. It is about relationships.

The first part of the description of this ideal wife is about her relationship with her husband: “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life”.  That tells us a lot about the relationship between this husband and wife. The difference in attitude between doing the bare minimum--“not doing him evil” and actively looking for ways to make his life better—"doing him good” is about choice.

Young wives sometimes fall into the trap of “keeping score”— “Well, if he didn’t take out the trash, then I’m not going to do the dishes!” That is a lose-lose game! The choice to do him good (even when he doesn’t really deserve it!) comes back when he is sweet to her—even on days when she doesn’t really deserve it!

It is also about their levels of trust. A few years ago, my husband, who worked in a job that required him to travel for weeks (and sometimes months) at a time, many hours away from home, called me to chat, as he does every day. He mentioned that the majority of the young men he worked with had “severe trust and commitment issues”. Not only are they not getting married, they won’t even have a long-term relationship. They cheat on their girlfriends, and assume (correctly!) that the girls are cheating on them!

My husband went on to thank me, for not making him worry when he is far away. The heart of my husband doth safely trust in me! And, the flip side of that coin is that my heart safely trusts in HIM! Think of all of the worry, jealousy and stress that are eliminated by this choice! That isn’t even taking into account external factors like the expense of dating (especially the girls who are just in it for a “sugar daddy”) and the potentially life changing risk of STD’s!

Proverbs also talks about how she treats other people:

”She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness”. She is working on curbing her temper, choosing to find the kind words, giving the benefit of the doubt.  Isn’t that the kind of person that you want to have as a friend, a co-worker and a neighbor?

I have come a long way on my journey to becoming “a Proverbs Woman”. Both my husband and I have journeyed far from the dumb young people we were when we got married. We have had adventures and gained capabilities we never would have experienced without the other. We have lifted and strengthened each other. As Russell M. Nelson said: “There is great power in a strong partnership. True partners can achieve more than the sum of each acting alone. With true partners, one plus one is much more than two. . . Sustainable improvements in any endeavor depend on collaboration and agreement. Great leaders and partners develop the skill of sharing insights and efforts and the pattern of building consensus. Great partners are completely loyal. They suppress personal ego in exchange for being part of creating something larger than themselves. Great partnerships are dependent upon each individual developing his or her own personal attributes of character. . . And in marriage, a husband and wife can form the most significant partnership of all—an eternal family”. (BYU Commencement Address, 2014)

I truly believe that nothing can shape us into the best version of ourselves as effectively as a righteous marriage.

What is wrong with this picture?

Our culture presents us every day with the idea that when you get married you give up your freedom, that getting married saddles you with “a ball and chain”, that only single people have good, exciting sex and that as soon as you get married (or at least as soon as you are out of “the honeymoon phase”) you have to settle for a boring, humdrum sporadic sex life.

REALLY?

Why is it that the cultural portrayal of a rich, exciting sex life (when you really think about what they are saying) is that you will only have exciting fulfilling sex when you are:

• having casual sex with someone you barely know.
• having an affair with a married/unmarried coworker.
• shacking up with a boyfriend, who isn’t committed enough to marry you.
• groping around in some uncomfortable setting (seriously?  In the backseat of Dodge Neon?  In a restroom stall?  In the office supply closet?  I think not!)

When you get married, the cultural expectation seems to be that both the quality AND the quantity of sex will slack off, a couple will end up bored, in a rut, with no chance of excitement whatsoever (except possibly a ritual “have-to” on Valentine’s Day, birthdays and their anniversary (maybe).

Why is it expected that if a woman chooses to marry and be committed to a kind, good, loving man, who is her best friend, who makes her laugh and feel beautiful that her life will be less meaningful than if she was sneaking around with some random stranger?

Interestingly, the data proves all of these things that “everyone knows” are wrong!

“Studies have found that married people have more sex than single people, and they also have more varied sex,” says sexual health expert and best-selling author Dr. Laura Berman”, as well as multiple other studies!

Yes, things can get in a rut -– if you let them.  But, since you know what you have done already, what works well, what he loves, what you love -– you have a HUGE advantage over that “random stranger” in the “truly satisfying each other” stakes. And, just like getting out of a rut in what you cook for dinner or the clothes you wear, all it takes to get OUT of the rut is a little time and thought.

I think society is wrong.  Married sex isn’t like a glass of soda pop sitting on the counter, where the longer it sits the flatter it gets.  It is much more like a beautifully enameled box, where each layer is so fine and thin that it is almost imperceptible, but together they add up to something incredibly beautiful and strong. I think the problem with getting a divorce because you have "fallen out of love" or "grown apart" can be summed up by the old saying "Wherever you go -- there you are"! I feel that when things have gotten dull and lackluster, when you can see all of their flaws, and none of their strengths, that it is time to get to work repairing and strengthening what you already have, instead of spending all of that time and energy to tear the marriage (and each other) apart. 

I know that there are times and situations where abuse, adultery or addiction make it impossible or unsafe to remain together, and I support those who choose to keep themselves and their children healthy and safe. However, letting the sparkle go out of your relationship should not be the reason to destroy what you spent so much time building.

Sources:

1. Burton, N. (04/18/2012, Updated Apr 18, 2012). Marriage Sex: The Truth About Sex After Marriage. HuffPost. Retrieved from 
   https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/13/marriage-sex_n_1422644.html
2. How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex? (September 29th, 2017) Retrieved from https://www.marriage.com/advice/physical-intimacy/how-often-do-married-couples-have-sex